Funk Dat!

Been listening to this song on repeat to try and shake off this gah-dang funk I'm still in:



Things I am currently feeling challenged by:

Guilt
Carbs and Sugars/calorie counting
-(I know I've been eating things here and there that I shouldn't be so, in turn, I've been avoiding
counting my daily intakes. Though I don't feel that I'm overeating I do know that )
Lack of Motivation
Taking my medications consistently and on schedule
Being Overly Tired
-(read: moreso buying in to being "overly tired" because I know I'm getting enough sleep even
though I'm working long hours)
Bits of anxiety surfacing (usually in the early morning right upon waking up)
Feeling disconnected from myself

Things currently in my favor:

My knees have seemed to stop acting up (unless it gets cold then the left one gets a little stiff but nothing serious)
I think I have finally gotten rid of the plague/black lung
I'm starting to miss working out
I'm actively seeking out inspiration through reading other people's stories, reflecting on my own journey and embracing hobbies (ie guitar lessons, Sunday hikes, etc.)


I'm starting to feel a lot more like "myself" again but I'm way bummed that I fell 2 weeks+ behind. I tend to be the "Queen of Extremes" so it's easy for me to turn a little rock slide into an avalanche. Working towards a more balanced way of being has been on my to-do list for years now and I'm still chipping away at it. Luckily I haven't gained weight past where I started. Before I got sick I was down 3lbs at 202 from 205. Now I'm back up to 205 and it's a big reality check...remembering how easy it is to put it on vs. take it off.

I have one more 10hr workday tomorrow and then I have lighter/regular hours ahead for the next 2 weeks. This will give me the opportunity to follow the schedule I started with (7am wake up time immediately followed by breakfast and a workout) and plan ahead for my heavy weeks that will come again towards mid next month. It's looking like I'm just going to have to buckle down and do a 4:30-:45am wake up/breakfast/workout to leave the house by 6a on those days. Once I get home after work it's extremely difficult to jump into a work out and I've found that I talk myself out of it too easily. Getting it done first thing in the morning makes me feel more accomplished and if I want to follow up with an additional walk or something later in the evening then I can get in double the goodness.

I also have a vacation to Cabo coming up with my Nanny family so I'll have to think ahead for that too. I'd rather it be a proactive vacation...a rejuvenation of sorts rather than a lazy, do absolutely nothing type thing. Don't get me wrong - there will be lounging, skinny margaritas and naps going down on a daily basis but they will be well earned after some good ole physical activity ;).

I'll be starting my 30 day countdown over beginning at Day 1.2 :) It's a personal goal of mine to get through all 30 days consistently with no more than 1 day of rest/1 day of cardio per week. So that would look something like M-F workout DVD, Sat rest, Sunday 6mile hike. I'm crossing my fingers and toes for no more injuries and am going to be extra aware of proper technique/warm ups.

One of the most important things that I've learned over the years is to never stop trying. Never. Whether its the voice in your head reminding you of all the times you've failed or if its those naysayers around you asking "you're doing this AGAIN?" just pay them no mind. The most amazing breakthroughs occur when you stop buying in to the negativity and fight your way through the pain, both physical and emotional. You may need to fall many times until you realize there's a lot to learn down there in the mud.

And away we gooooo...

Letting Go

I received a message in my inbox the other day asking, even after losing as much weight as I have, if I still see myself as I was 60+ lbs ago when I look in the mirror and if I thought it was normal for someone to experience that feeling.

Here was my answer:

I often look in the mirror and see the old me gazing back. It is such a weird feeling. I know I do not weigh 270lbs. I know I am no longer a size 3x. But the emotional baggage left over from being so big is what I think distorts my vision so much. I still feel some of the pain, despair and guilt that I did back then and I realize I haven't fully let go. Instead of focusing on how far I've come I tend to focus on how much further I need to go. I know better, I don't believe these negative thoughts hold much truth in my heart but I'd grown so accustomed to them that I still find myself buying into the negative thinking.

Weight loss is such a holistic experience. So many different parts of a person are involved in the overall healing and move towards wellness/feeling your best. It's taken a lot of hard work to get where I am, which I'm certain you can relate to, and I try to remind myself that I deserve to be proud/happy and to delight in my accomplishment in this moment...not 30lbs from this moment.

Looking back at old photos has helped me to reflect on and release some of negativity that I've harbored all of these years. I understand that WAS my reality...but it isn't anymore. I'm in a different, more confident and healthy place in my life and I can't let myself get psyched out. I know that through the accomplishments I've experienced I've come to have faith in what I'm capable of. This has resonated in many areas of my life, not just health. Its a wonderful, inspiring and motivating feeling that I try to focus on whenever I get caught up in my old ways.

So to summarize, yes - I do think this is something normal that many people who have lost a dramatic amount of weight go through. For myself, I find it's rooted in baggage that I'm working towards fully letting go. I'd suggest digging deep and being brutally honest with your emotions and really owning up to your thoughts, hurts and disappointments of the past. Sometimes I say them out loud and it shocks me. Hearing it and realizing that I would never say anything so cruel about anyone, much less myself, is an eye opener. I know that I do not believe these things so what is the point of holding on and giving them any kind of importance?
Its a tough road but we've got to keep going at it .

UGH!!

I couldn't let a whole week go by without posting *something* no matter how lame and embarrassed I honestly feel. I'm beyond bummed out right now and was not anticipating hitting such a rough spot so early in the game :(. Injury and illness have proven to be momentum killers for me and this past week has put me through the ringer emotionally and physically. I'm trying not to get down on myself too much and not let this bruised ego of mine bring me down.

I'm still trying to shake off lingering symptoms of the nasty chest cold/sinus infection I caught last week and it has been anything but comfortable. Just when I think I'm feeling better the night/early morning will hit me with a fiery chest, painfully dry cough, and/or swollen, drippy sinuses. These swings are doing nothing to help my mood.

On top of illness I experienced a mild injury after my workout last Thursday. I was feeling a lot better after my worst days of being sick and was so happy to work out that I may have over done it. I'm still not convinced that is what happened though. It may have been that I landed wrong on my foot as I was rushing down the stairs to work that morning but either way I irritated my right knee somehow. It felt like a pulled nerve that extended upward from my knee into my hamstring. I tried to take it easy during work that day but my Nanny family lives on the second floor of their apartment and I had to go up and down a few times during the day adding to the irritation. I tried to workout the following morning and realized I was doing more harm than good :(. I stopped and tried to spend the day resting my leg and sick body since it was my day off on Friday. Saturday and Sunday hit me like a freight train. I felt like I was going non-stop both days and didn't get to sit down and really plan out the upcoming week which proved to be detrimental to the flow I was trying so hard to maintain.

On Sunday I forced myself out of bed so that I could keep my promise of joining my cousin for our weekly hike. I bought a knee brace the night before and strapped it on snugly hoping for the best. It was the first morning of daylight savings time O_0 so luckily we started an hour later than usual. I was up at 4:45am and left the house at 5:15. Oi. The 6mile (RT) hike in the hills of Altadena really lifted my spirits. I felt my legs warming up and the pain seemed to melt away on the way up. Coming down was another story. I had to go really slowly at first because the combination of the incline and pressure on my knee was no bueno. I felt fluctuations between pain and normalcy during the entire trip down. All in all I think getting out and working my legs was more beneficial than the progress I'd felt just resting it. I spent the rest of the day running errands and finally got some time to rest during the evening.

The feeling of getting swallowed up by an avalanche has carried on into this week. It's my heavy week at work so I'm working 7am-6pm M-F. That means up by 530a at the latest and home by 7p at the earliest. This will be my schedule next week as well (except off at 5p instead of 6p). With the long hours, time change adjustment and lingering sickness I'm absolutely exhausted by the time I get home. I dove face first into bed on Tuesday night right when I got home and didn't wake up until I heard my alarm in the morning. I humored the thought of getting up at 4:45a to work out but the hacking cough and sinus pain it at is worst at that point and I just haven't been able to make myself do it.

So all in all I'm in the midst of a low point that I'm determined to pull myself out of. I'm going to try my damndest to work out tomorrow AM or at least go for a walk after work so that I can get the fire roaring again into the weekend. I intend on taking this weekend to plan for next week (because it makes being successful so much easier when you have a food/exercise plan when you know things are going to be busy/chaotic) and to really refocus and lick my wounds. When the negativity starts getting into your head its so easy to let go and give up. Not happening. Even though the progress I felt at the end of last week seems to have disappeared I'm pulling up those bootstraps and going at it again, head on. There are two videos that really inspired me to refuse to run away from what I've been feeling. I'll post them below. Thanks for reading and staying tuned in. Words of encouragement and motivation would be greatly appreciated!! :)

Obeying the Breath

Day 7 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Thursday 3/8/12
9:45am

Feeling so much better this AM! I can breaf! haha :) Got to start work later than expected today so it was nice to sleep in and get a little extra rest in before I threw everything into my workout this morning. It felt great to be able to push myself further than I have these last few days. I was cussing and grunting and high fiving myself. It was magical. lol!

It's so easy to take our health and abilities for granted. The minute we're sick or injured all of the would've, should've, could'ves flood in. Truth is when we were capable it was always "well, maybe I'll start tomorrow". Nike was certainly on to something with their "JUST DO IT" campaign, that's for sure.

Gotta run off to work! I have the day off tomorrow so I'll finally be able to stay up late tonight and fill in all of the holes I've left on my blog this past week.

I Think I'm Getting the Black Lung, Pop ::cough cough::

Day 6.5 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Wednesday 3/7/12
7:45am

Today was quite craptastic (as you might be able to tell by the doped up expression on my face). I'm glad I pulled myself out of bed and attempted the workout but it was seriously at 50%. My chest cold worsened yesterday and I stood in bed the whole evening hacking and sniffling. It seems that my right ear has decided to join the party and develop a minor earache. I took Theraflu and felt great right before bed but it wore off around 3am and I kept waking myself up in fits of coughing. I couldn't complete the cardio portions of the workout without my chest feeling like it was going to explode so I did a sort of a weak running in place thing. Everytime I had to get up from a floor exercise I'd have to take 5-10 seconds to steady myself from the dizziness. I tried to keep up but I was at 50% today (though I did sweat alot). I'm not marking this off as a workout day as it was more just a conscious decision not to miss a day of activity and stay on schedule. I will rest up more this evening after work and hope that tomorrow will bring renewed energy! I hate being sick :(.

It's been tough playing catch up with tallying up all of my meals. My idea now is to just take a photo of what I eat so I can remember for sure later when I'm adding things up. I know for sure though that Sunday - Tuesday I did not surpass my 1600 calorie allotment on any day :).

Ooof!

Day 6 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Tuesday 3/6/12
6:35am

Whew...rough morning! Had to get up an hour earlier than what I've been used to because of work but I felt relatively rested. The only thing that really hindered my energy was this blasted chest cold/sore throat I'm battling. I sweated considerably more this morning even though my limbs felt like lead. I struggled through some of the moves - losing my balance here and there but I completed them all with minimal rest/water breaks. My mood was not in the highest of spirits so I'm glad I was able to fully engage, nonetheless.

This cold laid me out for all of yesterday and I was really bummed that I didn't get my work out in yesterday AM (before it really took its toll on my energy)...or PM for that matter. It was my day off and thinking back I know I could've pushed myself harder and done it. I was feeling so crappy, tired and grumpy though that I let those emotions take precedence over my drive. I made shrimp caldo (soup) with tons of veggies and ginger/garlic, kept very well hydrated and kept a steady stream of meds going in the hopes that this will not be a drawn out illness. In a way I'm glad I rested yesterday and I'm sure in the long run it's what my body needed but I tend to get down on myself when I feel I haven't truly risen to the occasion.

Feeling the extra push I had to deliver today I know that it is not in my best interest (motivation wise) to take more than one rest day during the week. Keeping that momentum up is so important for me. Can't wait to post my 2week results soon - I'm seeing and feeling a change already :) Hope to post more tonight.


Today's breakfast:

3 Tbs Whole Grain Cream of Wheat
1.25 Cups Fat Free Milk
1/2 Tsp Pure Stevia Extract (powder)

Yesterday's Food Log:

Will have to tally calories and type details when I get home from work. Didn't eat much other than caldo, fruit, lots of liquids and nuts, though.

Weekend Update!

Man did this weekend fly by!

In a nutshell:

I finally listened to all of the red flags/omens I had been ignoring for a while and I didn't end up getting the class that I wanted (all for the better).

I had the lovely pleasure of celebrating my Great Grandmother's 95th birthday! Held out and didn't eat the cake...and I looove cake, haha! Had some really great conversations with family members/family friends that I hadn't connected with in a while :).

*Went on a 6mile hike at 6am in the hills of Altadena and committed to doing it every Sunday with my cousin from Turkey, Suleyman. (Really proud of this one!)

Got my hair did - and it looks fierce! ;)

Took a nap!

Stuck to my eating goals and allowed myself a rest day on Saturday instead of Sunday.

Wasn't able to keep an accurate calorie/nutritional count using the app on my phone because I ate out a couple of times but I'm confident in the healthy choices I made.

Saturday Food Log:

3/4 of a Hugos' Go Green Frittata - This wonderful breakfast full of protein, minerals and iron will keep you going and going. Made with egg whites, chard, beet greens, kale, spinach puree, broccolini, zucchini, asparagus, quinoa, garlic and extra virgin olive oil. Topped with alfalfa sprouts and an apple-mango-mint sauce. Served with fresh fruit.

One Hugo's Almond Energy Pancake -Prepared with nuts, seeds, quinoa, shredded coconut, puffed rice, dried cherries, and cranberries. Garnished with fresh berries and spiced organic cane syrup.

1 Chicken Sausage Patty

2 Cups Rooibos Africana Tea Latte with Nonfat Milk (unsweetened + Splenda)

1 Cup Grilled Chicken

1/4 Cup Refried Beans

3 Tbs Salsa Verde

1/4 Cup Cilantro + Onions

1 Cup Cabbage Salad with Lime Vinaigrette

1 Banana

1/2 Cup Walnuts

1/2 Cup Multi-grain Cheerios

1/2 Cup Nonfat Milk

Sunday Food Log:

One California Grill Garden Sandwich - Avocado, shredded carrot, romaine lettuce, tomato, purple onion, alfalfa sprouts, cheddar cheese, and light mayo on 12 grain bread.

1 Frest Fruit Cup - cantaloupe, strawberry, grapes, pineapple, honeydew

1 Kosher Pickle Spear

2 Glasses Lemon Iced Tea (unsweetened + Splenda)

1/2 Banana

1/2 Cup Multi-Grain Cheerios

1/2 Cup Nonfat Milk

1 Apple Pear with Lime Juice and sprinkle of Tajin Chili Powder

1 Cup Steamed Broccoli (light salt and pepper added)

1/2 Cup Steamed Spinach

2 oz Part Skim Milk Mozzarella Cheese

1/4 Cup Baked Sweet Potatoes (in Grapeseed oil with Cinnamon, Nutmeg and tiny sprinkle of raw organic sugar)