Funk Dat!

Been listening to this song on repeat to try and shake off this gah-dang funk I'm still in:



Things I am currently feeling challenged by:

Guilt
Carbs and Sugars/calorie counting
-(I know I've been eating things here and there that I shouldn't be so, in turn, I've been avoiding
counting my daily intakes. Though I don't feel that I'm overeating I do know that )
Lack of Motivation
Taking my medications consistently and on schedule
Being Overly Tired
-(read: moreso buying in to being "overly tired" because I know I'm getting enough sleep even
though I'm working long hours)
Bits of anxiety surfacing (usually in the early morning right upon waking up)
Feeling disconnected from myself

Things currently in my favor:

My knees have seemed to stop acting up (unless it gets cold then the left one gets a little stiff but nothing serious)
I think I have finally gotten rid of the plague/black lung
I'm starting to miss working out
I'm actively seeking out inspiration through reading other people's stories, reflecting on my own journey and embracing hobbies (ie guitar lessons, Sunday hikes, etc.)


I'm starting to feel a lot more like "myself" again but I'm way bummed that I fell 2 weeks+ behind. I tend to be the "Queen of Extremes" so it's easy for me to turn a little rock slide into an avalanche. Working towards a more balanced way of being has been on my to-do list for years now and I'm still chipping away at it. Luckily I haven't gained weight past where I started. Before I got sick I was down 3lbs at 202 from 205. Now I'm back up to 205 and it's a big reality check...remembering how easy it is to put it on vs. take it off.

I have one more 10hr workday tomorrow and then I have lighter/regular hours ahead for the next 2 weeks. This will give me the opportunity to follow the schedule I started with (7am wake up time immediately followed by breakfast and a workout) and plan ahead for my heavy weeks that will come again towards mid next month. It's looking like I'm just going to have to buckle down and do a 4:30-:45am wake up/breakfast/workout to leave the house by 6a on those days. Once I get home after work it's extremely difficult to jump into a work out and I've found that I talk myself out of it too easily. Getting it done first thing in the morning makes me feel more accomplished and if I want to follow up with an additional walk or something later in the evening then I can get in double the goodness.

I also have a vacation to Cabo coming up with my Nanny family so I'll have to think ahead for that too. I'd rather it be a proactive vacation...a rejuvenation of sorts rather than a lazy, do absolutely nothing type thing. Don't get me wrong - there will be lounging, skinny margaritas and naps going down on a daily basis but they will be well earned after some good ole physical activity ;).

I'll be starting my 30 day countdown over beginning at Day 1.2 :) It's a personal goal of mine to get through all 30 days consistently with no more than 1 day of rest/1 day of cardio per week. So that would look something like M-F workout DVD, Sat rest, Sunday 6mile hike. I'm crossing my fingers and toes for no more injuries and am going to be extra aware of proper technique/warm ups.

One of the most important things that I've learned over the years is to never stop trying. Never. Whether its the voice in your head reminding you of all the times you've failed or if its those naysayers around you asking "you're doing this AGAIN?" just pay them no mind. The most amazing breakthroughs occur when you stop buying in to the negativity and fight your way through the pain, both physical and emotional. You may need to fall many times until you realize there's a lot to learn down there in the mud.

And away we gooooo...

Letting Go

I received a message in my inbox the other day asking, even after losing as much weight as I have, if I still see myself as I was 60+ lbs ago when I look in the mirror and if I thought it was normal for someone to experience that feeling.

Here was my answer:

I often look in the mirror and see the old me gazing back. It is such a weird feeling. I know I do not weigh 270lbs. I know I am no longer a size 3x. But the emotional baggage left over from being so big is what I think distorts my vision so much. I still feel some of the pain, despair and guilt that I did back then and I realize I haven't fully let go. Instead of focusing on how far I've come I tend to focus on how much further I need to go. I know better, I don't believe these negative thoughts hold much truth in my heart but I'd grown so accustomed to them that I still find myself buying into the negative thinking.

Weight loss is such a holistic experience. So many different parts of a person are involved in the overall healing and move towards wellness/feeling your best. It's taken a lot of hard work to get where I am, which I'm certain you can relate to, and I try to remind myself that I deserve to be proud/happy and to delight in my accomplishment in this moment...not 30lbs from this moment.

Looking back at old photos has helped me to reflect on and release some of negativity that I've harbored all of these years. I understand that WAS my reality...but it isn't anymore. I'm in a different, more confident and healthy place in my life and I can't let myself get psyched out. I know that through the accomplishments I've experienced I've come to have faith in what I'm capable of. This has resonated in many areas of my life, not just health. Its a wonderful, inspiring and motivating feeling that I try to focus on whenever I get caught up in my old ways.

So to summarize, yes - I do think this is something normal that many people who have lost a dramatic amount of weight go through. For myself, I find it's rooted in baggage that I'm working towards fully letting go. I'd suggest digging deep and being brutally honest with your emotions and really owning up to your thoughts, hurts and disappointments of the past. Sometimes I say them out loud and it shocks me. Hearing it and realizing that I would never say anything so cruel about anyone, much less myself, is an eye opener. I know that I do not believe these things so what is the point of holding on and giving them any kind of importance?
Its a tough road but we've got to keep going at it .

UGH!!

I couldn't let a whole week go by without posting *something* no matter how lame and embarrassed I honestly feel. I'm beyond bummed out right now and was not anticipating hitting such a rough spot so early in the game :(. Injury and illness have proven to be momentum killers for me and this past week has put me through the ringer emotionally and physically. I'm trying not to get down on myself too much and not let this bruised ego of mine bring me down.

I'm still trying to shake off lingering symptoms of the nasty chest cold/sinus infection I caught last week and it has been anything but comfortable. Just when I think I'm feeling better the night/early morning will hit me with a fiery chest, painfully dry cough, and/or swollen, drippy sinuses. These swings are doing nothing to help my mood.

On top of illness I experienced a mild injury after my workout last Thursday. I was feeling a lot better after my worst days of being sick and was so happy to work out that I may have over done it. I'm still not convinced that is what happened though. It may have been that I landed wrong on my foot as I was rushing down the stairs to work that morning but either way I irritated my right knee somehow. It felt like a pulled nerve that extended upward from my knee into my hamstring. I tried to take it easy during work that day but my Nanny family lives on the second floor of their apartment and I had to go up and down a few times during the day adding to the irritation. I tried to workout the following morning and realized I was doing more harm than good :(. I stopped and tried to spend the day resting my leg and sick body since it was my day off on Friday. Saturday and Sunday hit me like a freight train. I felt like I was going non-stop both days and didn't get to sit down and really plan out the upcoming week which proved to be detrimental to the flow I was trying so hard to maintain.

On Sunday I forced myself out of bed so that I could keep my promise of joining my cousin for our weekly hike. I bought a knee brace the night before and strapped it on snugly hoping for the best. It was the first morning of daylight savings time O_0 so luckily we started an hour later than usual. I was up at 4:45am and left the house at 5:15. Oi. The 6mile (RT) hike in the hills of Altadena really lifted my spirits. I felt my legs warming up and the pain seemed to melt away on the way up. Coming down was another story. I had to go really slowly at first because the combination of the incline and pressure on my knee was no bueno. I felt fluctuations between pain and normalcy during the entire trip down. All in all I think getting out and working my legs was more beneficial than the progress I'd felt just resting it. I spent the rest of the day running errands and finally got some time to rest during the evening.

The feeling of getting swallowed up by an avalanche has carried on into this week. It's my heavy week at work so I'm working 7am-6pm M-F. That means up by 530a at the latest and home by 7p at the earliest. This will be my schedule next week as well (except off at 5p instead of 6p). With the long hours, time change adjustment and lingering sickness I'm absolutely exhausted by the time I get home. I dove face first into bed on Tuesday night right when I got home and didn't wake up until I heard my alarm in the morning. I humored the thought of getting up at 4:45a to work out but the hacking cough and sinus pain it at is worst at that point and I just haven't been able to make myself do it.

So all in all I'm in the midst of a low point that I'm determined to pull myself out of. I'm going to try my damndest to work out tomorrow AM or at least go for a walk after work so that I can get the fire roaring again into the weekend. I intend on taking this weekend to plan for next week (because it makes being successful so much easier when you have a food/exercise plan when you know things are going to be busy/chaotic) and to really refocus and lick my wounds. When the negativity starts getting into your head its so easy to let go and give up. Not happening. Even though the progress I felt at the end of last week seems to have disappeared I'm pulling up those bootstraps and going at it again, head on. There are two videos that really inspired me to refuse to run away from what I've been feeling. I'll post them below. Thanks for reading and staying tuned in. Words of encouragement and motivation would be greatly appreciated!! :)

Obeying the Breath

Day 7 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Thursday 3/8/12
9:45am

Feeling so much better this AM! I can breaf! haha :) Got to start work later than expected today so it was nice to sleep in and get a little extra rest in before I threw everything into my workout this morning. It felt great to be able to push myself further than I have these last few days. I was cussing and grunting and high fiving myself. It was magical. lol!

It's so easy to take our health and abilities for granted. The minute we're sick or injured all of the would've, should've, could'ves flood in. Truth is when we were capable it was always "well, maybe I'll start tomorrow". Nike was certainly on to something with their "JUST DO IT" campaign, that's for sure.

Gotta run off to work! I have the day off tomorrow so I'll finally be able to stay up late tonight and fill in all of the holes I've left on my blog this past week.

I Think I'm Getting the Black Lung, Pop ::cough cough::

Day 6.5 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Wednesday 3/7/12
7:45am

Today was quite craptastic (as you might be able to tell by the doped up expression on my face). I'm glad I pulled myself out of bed and attempted the workout but it was seriously at 50%. My chest cold worsened yesterday and I stood in bed the whole evening hacking and sniffling. It seems that my right ear has decided to join the party and develop a minor earache. I took Theraflu and felt great right before bed but it wore off around 3am and I kept waking myself up in fits of coughing. I couldn't complete the cardio portions of the workout without my chest feeling like it was going to explode so I did a sort of a weak running in place thing. Everytime I had to get up from a floor exercise I'd have to take 5-10 seconds to steady myself from the dizziness. I tried to keep up but I was at 50% today (though I did sweat alot). I'm not marking this off as a workout day as it was more just a conscious decision not to miss a day of activity and stay on schedule. I will rest up more this evening after work and hope that tomorrow will bring renewed energy! I hate being sick :(.

It's been tough playing catch up with tallying up all of my meals. My idea now is to just take a photo of what I eat so I can remember for sure later when I'm adding things up. I know for sure though that Sunday - Tuesday I did not surpass my 1600 calorie allotment on any day :).

Ooof!

Day 6 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Tuesday 3/6/12
6:35am

Whew...rough morning! Had to get up an hour earlier than what I've been used to because of work but I felt relatively rested. The only thing that really hindered my energy was this blasted chest cold/sore throat I'm battling. I sweated considerably more this morning even though my limbs felt like lead. I struggled through some of the moves - losing my balance here and there but I completed them all with minimal rest/water breaks. My mood was not in the highest of spirits so I'm glad I was able to fully engage, nonetheless.

This cold laid me out for all of yesterday and I was really bummed that I didn't get my work out in yesterday AM (before it really took its toll on my energy)...or PM for that matter. It was my day off and thinking back I know I could've pushed myself harder and done it. I was feeling so crappy, tired and grumpy though that I let those emotions take precedence over my drive. I made shrimp caldo (soup) with tons of veggies and ginger/garlic, kept very well hydrated and kept a steady stream of meds going in the hopes that this will not be a drawn out illness. In a way I'm glad I rested yesterday and I'm sure in the long run it's what my body needed but I tend to get down on myself when I feel I haven't truly risen to the occasion.

Feeling the extra push I had to deliver today I know that it is not in my best interest (motivation wise) to take more than one rest day during the week. Keeping that momentum up is so important for me. Can't wait to post my 2week results soon - I'm seeing and feeling a change already :) Hope to post more tonight.


Today's breakfast:

3 Tbs Whole Grain Cream of Wheat
1.25 Cups Fat Free Milk
1/2 Tsp Pure Stevia Extract (powder)

Yesterday's Food Log:

Will have to tally calories and type details when I get home from work. Didn't eat much other than caldo, fruit, lots of liquids and nuts, though.

Weekend Update!

Man did this weekend fly by!

In a nutshell:

I finally listened to all of the red flags/omens I had been ignoring for a while and I didn't end up getting the class that I wanted (all for the better).

I had the lovely pleasure of celebrating my Great Grandmother's 95th birthday! Held out and didn't eat the cake...and I looove cake, haha! Had some really great conversations with family members/family friends that I hadn't connected with in a while :).

*Went on a 6mile hike at 6am in the hills of Altadena and committed to doing it every Sunday with my cousin from Turkey, Suleyman. (Really proud of this one!)

Got my hair did - and it looks fierce! ;)

Took a nap!

Stuck to my eating goals and allowed myself a rest day on Saturday instead of Sunday.

Wasn't able to keep an accurate calorie/nutritional count using the app on my phone because I ate out a couple of times but I'm confident in the healthy choices I made.

Saturday Food Log:

3/4 of a Hugos' Go Green Frittata - This wonderful breakfast full of protein, minerals and iron will keep you going and going. Made with egg whites, chard, beet greens, kale, spinach puree, broccolini, zucchini, asparagus, quinoa, garlic and extra virgin olive oil. Topped with alfalfa sprouts and an apple-mango-mint sauce. Served with fresh fruit.

One Hugo's Almond Energy Pancake -Prepared with nuts, seeds, quinoa, shredded coconut, puffed rice, dried cherries, and cranberries. Garnished with fresh berries and spiced organic cane syrup.

1 Chicken Sausage Patty

2 Cups Rooibos Africana Tea Latte with Nonfat Milk (unsweetened + Splenda)

1 Cup Grilled Chicken

1/4 Cup Refried Beans

3 Tbs Salsa Verde

1/4 Cup Cilantro + Onions

1 Cup Cabbage Salad with Lime Vinaigrette

1 Banana

1/2 Cup Walnuts

1/2 Cup Multi-grain Cheerios

1/2 Cup Nonfat Milk

Sunday Food Log:

One California Grill Garden Sandwich - Avocado, shredded carrot, romaine lettuce, tomato, purple onion, alfalfa sprouts, cheddar cheese, and light mayo on 12 grain bread.

1 Frest Fruit Cup - cantaloupe, strawberry, grapes, pineapple, honeydew

1 Kosher Pickle Spear

2 Glasses Lemon Iced Tea (unsweetened + Splenda)

1/2 Banana

1/2 Cup Multi-Grain Cheerios

1/2 Cup Nonfat Milk

1 Apple Pear with Lime Juice and sprinkle of Tajin Chili Powder

1 Cup Steamed Broccoli (light salt and pepper added)

1/2 Cup Steamed Spinach

2 oz Part Skim Milk Mozzarella Cheese

1/4 Cup Baked Sweet Potatoes (in Grapeseed oil with Cinnamon, Nutmeg and tiny sprinkle of raw organic sugar)

Day 5 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Friday 3/2/12
7:40am

Keeping it on the short side once again because I'm running about 15mins behind this AM. Had to help a family member with a favor last night and even though it wasn't any thing extremely huge it still knocked me off of the routine I've been building. I didn't get to write the blog update I had my heart set on last night but I really want to dig in to it tonight. I spent the day emotionally preparing for it yesterday because it's that much of an intense subject for me. I hope my words won't fail me and that I can find some serenity through sharing. That being said...

These two songs popped into my head when I woke up this morning - one right after the other:





I've decided that tomorrow will be a cardio day (I'm starting my Saturday CHLD DEV class tomorrow 9:30a-4p - hope I get added!!) and Sunday will be a rest day. I'm really proud at how I followed through this week and know that a healthy rest on Sunday is in the best interest of supporting my body and my spirit in continuing on. I do plan on remaining a little active that day, though, with a lovely stroll/light hike through some kind of beautiful natural setting.

A quote in honor of the late Dr. Seuss:
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” -DR. S

Today's breakfast:

3 Tbs Whole Grain Cream of Wheat
1.25 Cups Fat Free Milk
1/2 Tsp Pure Stevia Extract (powder)

Yesterday's Food Log:

I'll fill in the details later tonight since I'm in a rush but here are the totals.

Daily Totals:
Fat: 28.95g
Carbs: 208.86g (I need to work on lowering this significantly)
Protein: 84.17g
Calories: 1,392

*Going to sit down and plan out a better nutritional strategy this weekend. Though my caloric intake is on the mark my carb intake is way too high (especially for a woman with PCOS). I need to reduce carbs and increase protein stat.

Day 4 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Thursday 3/1/12
7:40am

Must keep it kind of short today because I have to get on the road to work a bit earlier than usual.

Today's workout went well - certainly a lot less sore than yesterday! I am definitely seeing a change in my endurance and ability to execute the movements properly. So proud of my body for being able to jump back into the swing of things with ease. I'm very excited to share my results with you all when the time comes :) I haven't decided yet but I was thinking of posting a photo/stat update every two weeks until I reach my goal weight. If that becomes too frequent then I'll change it to once a month. Looking forward to writing more in my back story post tonight. If I thought last night was difficult...whew, tonight is going to be soul shaking.

Today's breakfast:
3 Tbs Whole Grain Cream of Wheat
1.25 Cups Fat Free Milk
1/2 Tsp Pure Stevia Extract (powder)
*LOVING this Cream of Wheat!

Yesterday's Food Log:

1/4 Cup pulled BBQ Chicken
1 Cup Turkey Chili
1 tsp Yellow Mustard
2 oz. Reduced Fat Cheddar
1 Large Fuji Apple

3/4 Cup Nonfat Plain Yogurt
1/4 Cup Almonds
1/4 Cup Black Berries
1/2 Cup Persian Cucumber with lime
1/2 Whole Wheat Mini Bagel
1/2 Wedge Strawberry Cream Cheese
1 Packet Stevia

1 oz Chicken Breast
2 Cups Broccoli
2 oz Part Skim Milk Mozzarella
5 Slices Jenny-O Turkey Bacon

1 Hershey's Kiss
1 Worther's Original

6+ glasses of water

Daily Totals:
Fat: 47.53g
Carbs: 167.10g (I need to work on lowering this significantly)
Protein: 116.48g
Calories: 1,534

Day 3 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD
Level I
Wednesday 2/29/12
7:30am


Some excuses my sore ass tried to use to discourage myself from working out this AM:



-They say that after working out for two consecutive days you need a rest day. And, well, I am *pretty* sore, amirite?

-Wait...today is Leap Day! I mean c'mon, that doesn't even technically count as a real day. So therefore it wouldn't be a big deal if I just skipped over it and picked back up on Thursday :D.

- It's so cold in the house I can literally see my breath right now. How can I possibly work out in this icebox-like environment?

Then I looked up and saw the chart on my wall. Only 2 days marked off and I'm already trying to talk myself out of something? Girl, please! I hopped out of bed, put on my workout clothes and headed to the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. As I ate my cream of wheat I blew steamy hot breath out through my mouth and pretended I was a dragon. It was awesome.

The first 5-7 mins of the session were TOUGH. Grunted through sore muscles and purposely made my movements a little more dramatic as not to let the heaviness I felt in my limbs bring me down. After my heart rate was up and my blood was flowing it was all good. My body is continuing to cooperate and I'm so happy for that.

Today's breakfast:

3 Tbs Whole Wheat Cream of Wheat
1.25 Cups Fat Free Milk
1/2 Tsp Pure Stevia Extract (powder)

Yesterday's Food Log:

1 Cup low fat low sodium Stew (lean beef, baby potatoes, carrots, onion)
1 Cup Green Beans
1/4 Cup Scrambled Egg
1/4 Cup Tomato Soup
1 tiny piece Naan Bread
1 Medium Asian Pear

1/2 Stick light String Cheese
3 Honey Wheat Pretzel Sticks

2 Medium Kiwis
1/4 cup Blueberries
2oz Reduced Fat Cheddar

2oz Skinless BBQ Chicken
1/2 Cup Multigrain Cheerios
1/2 Cup Kashi Honey Crunch Cereal
1/2 Cup Non-fat milk

6 glasses water

Day 2 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD Level I
Tuesday 2/28/12
7:30am

Today's workout went much more smoothly than yesterday! There were no signs of puking or myocardial infarctions this time around. I was able to up my intensity from yesterday, drawing on the "hurts so good" feeling of working the sore muscles I woke up with. I didn't need the 5 second rests (just took a few 1-2 second shake offs) and I was able to complete each circuit in its entirety - with many grunts and growls along the way. Yesterday my body seemed stunned at what I was asking it to do. Today it seemed to say "Ok, bitch. We're really going here again, huh? Fine den! Let's do it right."

It was definitely a mind over matter type of morning because I had to force myself out of bed with a big leap and immediately put my workout clothes and shoes on all the while repeating in my mind "you will do this, you will do this, you will do this". While making myself breakfast I had the DVD menu screen running in the background. They loop this crazy upbeat house type of music and I started dancing like a club kid in the kitchen. I busted out my imaginary glow sticks and would have challenged myself to a dance off had my cream of wheat not been ready so quickly. Its shit like this that lightens the mood. No reason to go into your workout grumpy and pissed off at the world - I find going in with good feelings really acts as positive reinforcement later on. You start connecting working out with happiness/feeling good and you're more apt to look forward to it. I'm going to finish out this week on Level I and if my body continues to adapt and remember its capabilities as well as it did today I will bump up to Level II more quickly than expected :).

Today's breakfast:
3 Tbs Whole Wheat Cream of Wheat
1.25 Cups Fat Free Milk
1/2 Tsp Pure Stevia Extract (powder)
tiny sprinkle of salt

Yesterday's Food Log:

1 Cup Raw Organic Whole Oatmeal (instant)
1/2 Cup Fat Free Milk
1 Tsp Cinnamon (powdered)
1 Tsp Agave Nectar

2-3 oz Deli Turkey Meat
1/2 cup baby carrots
2 oz Reduced Fat Cheddar cubes
3 Persian Cucumbers in lime juice with a sprinkle of salt

2 Medium Kiwis
1 Cup Fat Free Cottage Cheese
1/4 cup Raw Almonds

1.5 cups Green Beans
1 Egg
1.5 cups Tomato Soup
2 slices 100% Whole Wheat Bread
2 oz Skim Milk Mozzarella
1 medium Asian Pear

Water intake is way up now to at least 6 glasses a day

Unedited Thoughts During my 1st Workout This AM:
(Day 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD Level I)
Monday 2/27/12
7:15am





-Oh sweet Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?
-I could still be in my comfy cocoon of a bed right now.
-I love my bed.
-Um, please don't vomit.
-Man! When is the last time I worked out? (still can't remember)
-Are you seriously going to vomit right now? Get it together, Vero!
-Warning! You're about to have a heart attack!
-No, you're not. You're not even 30 yet. Bet your ass you'll have one eventually if you don't finish this gahdang workout.
-::gasp::BREATHE!!
-::gasp::WATER!!
-Remember Vero, a drink of water does not = 5minute break
-WTF? Is that water and oatmeal I hear sloshing around in my belly? Ewww!!
-What time is it? ONLY 12 MINUTES IN?! Orrrmaigarr!
-Stop being a drama queen.
-Only one more circuit to go! Shit...and cardio.
-3,2,1 and DONE-SKI!
-That wasn't so bad, now was it? ...was it? ...Vero? (laying on the floor, sweaty, flushed, chest heaving).
-Yes! Cool down. I'm good! Here come the endorphins, ahhhh.

*Contrary to my crazy train of thought I did better than I expected - especially coming off such a long lapse of intentional physical activity. I was able to complete the entire 20min workout at a decent level of intensity. I felt the discomfort I remember all too well but managed to push through - closing my eyes and focusing hard when I felt like stopping. I took a few 5 second rests when it felt like my heart was coming up out of my throat and I fumbled through one of the sets of side lunges w/ anterior raises but other than that I hung in there :).

Boot Strap Epiphanies

...coming to a blogspot near you very soon :)

Tell It Like It Is

I'll begin with a bit of a backstory, if you will...

I came into this world on April 26th, 1982 weighing in at a whopping 6lbs 12 oz. My 19 year old mother's once flat belly seemed to grow exponentially in size during her pregnancy. When my tiny baby self emerged I can imagine how surprised she must have been...maybe secretly wondering "Did I really eat that many pastrami sandwiches?!" Apparently she had - 'cause I constantly made her crave them :).

This was the first of only a couple of times in her life that my mother had been a "large individual" (to quote my curvy Tia Yvette, haha). My mom is about 5'4" with a naturally petite frame. If my birth weight was an early indication of inheriting those particular "small/skinny" genes then something certainly went amiss along the way. I wouldn't find out what that "something" was until I was 18 years old.

My still pudgy, toddler-like arms, legs and belly didn't melt away and stretch out like they did for the majority of my kindergarten peers. This disproportion remained the case all through elementary school. As I got older I came to accept the fact that I'd always be one of the bigger girls in class. It was still just baby fat...it was just the way I was, or so I was told. By the time 5th grade came around I'd say I was close to 5"7' and already snugly wearing a women's size 12. Puberty brought on a whole slew of new problems. I began developing stretchmarks on my stomach due to rapid weight gain, skin tags sprouted up around my neck, and excess hair became quite noticeable on my arms and face.

I remember faking sick to stay home from school one day. Must've been an award winning performance (or I got called out on my bluff) because my mom ended up taking me to the doctor. I was too old to still be seeing a pediatrician but my old physician, Dr. Renie, was the only available option on such short notice.

Upon examining me she began to ask very odd questions that had nothing to do with the cold I was faking and, quite honestly, it made me nervous. Why did she want to know about the stretchmarks tearing across my belly? Why was she looking so closely at my face and chin? Did she notice the hair I've been so desperately trying to hide? She unleashed a flood of questions on me which brought about a sense of embarrassment and shame. Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely lady. I just wasn't ready to face, or understand, whatever the hell was going on with my body. I did the only thing I could think of doing. I lied. I told her everything she would expect to hear from a regular, healthy teenager. Luckily my mom was there to chime in and provide a more accurate account of the changes that I'd be going through. I remember feeling so upset with her then. She wouldn't look at me as she discredited my statements with the truth - like she could sense the deepening shade of red in my face yet didn't have the heart to confirm with even the slightest glance. But the love of a mother is strong and always works towards the well being of her babies. Thank goodness she was there to let the doctor know what was really going on. I was referred to an endocrinologist that day.

Upon seeing the endocrinologist and cringing through the same flood of embarrassing questions from before I was told that I most likely had something called PCOS and Insulin Resistance. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome? Why is she talking about my ovaries? What is wrong with them? What in the world does any of this have to do with being fat and hairy?! I was given 3 different types of medication to take and was told that I would most likely have to take them for life. It was something that took my teenage brain years to process, understand, and come to terms with. That particular doctor ended up leaving her practice and I was then referred to another, much older, male doctor at the UCLA medical center. He was very short when it came to conversation and explanations. I did what I was told once more and lost some weight with the help of medication (Metformin, Spironolactone, birth control), diet and exercise. It wasn't until I was well in to my 20's that it all truly clicked for me. I can honestly say I'm still working towards total fluency in the matter till this day.

Between the ages of 18 and 28 I reached both my heaviest and lowest weights - heaviest being about 270lbs in 2001-2 and lowest being about 195lbs in 2009. During this 10 year span I experienced both the best and worst times of my life.

At age 18/19 I was an absolute mess and continued to feel that way for a few years to come. I was beyond uncomfortably overweight (this would be the period where I reached my heaviest point) and experiencing the cruel effects of PCOS full force. My lackluster 20lb weight loss victory from a while before had turned into a 20lb+ gain. I remember feeling stripped of my womanhood. My long, beautiful hair began falling out, I put on weight extremely easily, and I continued to grow excess hair in the most embarrassing of places for a woman (face, chest, arms).
It was hell and it took all I had to keep from shutting down completely. I never want to go back to that place and it pains me so deeply when I see other women suffering through similar situations.

During this crushing time something unexpectedly wonderful happened. I found a kindred spirit in a stone faced, secretly sweet and giggly girl who would happen to become my best friend (of almost 12 years now). She saw beyond what I looked like and never made mention of it. We couldn't have known it then but time would prove each of us to play an integral role in the other's life. Connections as deep and beautiful as ours rarely occur in one's lifetime and I often feel that I've hit the BFF MegaMillions. If I were a lesbian (which I can, with 100% certainty, say I am not, Grandma Connie ;) ) I would marry her. She's helped me to gain wisdom regarding independence, loyalty, compassion and strength in ways that no one else has managed to. She motivates me to be my best yet loves me just the same when I fall short. Our meeting was, without a doubt, one of the best things that has ever happened in my life.

I was excelling in college at this point and had decided to pursue an Associates Degree in Radio/TV broadcasting. I had so much fun exploring this field and found a deep sense of pride in the work I was able to produce and the sincere connections/friendships I was able to forge with my professor and classmates. My confidence began to build slowly but surely. It was around this time that I met another person who would come to change my life dramatically.

In 2002 I officially began working for this dude with sweet pipes and a guitar. In retrospect I feel we came in to each other's lives during a time of significant need. We both needed someone to trust in - someone supportive who was willing to go the distance and believe as we reached for the next milestone on our own respective journeys. Man, did we end up finding that "someone" in each other.

Now, I could write paragraph upon paragraph about this stage in my life. It was intense, thrilling, wonderful and difficult all at once. This is when I started really understanding what it meant to LIVE. I will say this much: if it wasn't for this particular guy I'd be miles and miles away from where I stand today. He was the first man in my life (aside from my father/family) to make me feel worthy, precious, appreciated and beautiful. The acceptance, support and validation he's provided me with throughout our long friendship really helped me reach a place of internal peace and self love during the most trying times. In the land of Hollywood beauties I learned to hold my head high and take pride in the knowledge that I had my fair share of fierceness to bring to the table. He'd never let me believe otherwise and I am so grateful to him for that... among many other things.

Things rolled along considerably well for years - I ultimately found a true love in teaching/early childhood education and I even experienced a bit more success with some further weight loss.

Then a jolting series of events unfolded that really forced me to take a hard look at where I was, where I wanted to be and how I hadn't really given much thought/made any commitments towards getting there.

I believe I was simultaneously taking classes, working as a PT assitant toddler teacher and doing my best to keep up with whatever Luccamusic projects were going on at the time when it happened. My 2 year old goddaughter Miranda had a serious accident and I found myself jumping on a plane bound for Oakland within hours of hearing about it. She and another child had been climbing on a wrought iron roller gate when it derailed and fell on top of them. I had never felt such panic, helplessness and heartache as I did when I walked into the ICU and saw her little body propped up in a hospital bed, her neck bound in a brace. I still remember the smell of the dried blood in her hair and the sound of her wimpers. It never fails to make me well up. I remember bringing her a doll I had just made in one of my Child Development classes and singing some songs to her. I choked through tears for most of them but they seemed to help calm her. This experience took a such toll on my heart and the recovery that followed (full recovery, I'm so happy to say!) altered my perspective on many things. I realized the profound responsibility I owed to this child to be (and give her) my very best.

The next two blows felt like they struck back to back. I lost two women who were very significant in my life - one due to cancer and the other due to complications from alcoholism.

I was named after a woman with a beautiful soul. Throughout the family she was known as ChaCha or Chita and even when I was a child I could feel the love and admiration everyone held for her. She was the leader of a generation - a queen in her own right - and touched the lives and hearts of so many during her time on this earth. It wasn't until I was older that I realized what a true honor it was to be her namesake. Though we shared the same name I sadly can't say that I got a chance to establish a very close bond with her. Her energy was so strong, loving and warm, though...I couldn't help but feel connected on some higher level (which I'm sure is a shared sentiment among many who had the pleasure of knowing her). There was one special thing in particular about her that brought me so much comfort when I was a young lady - she was "big", too. Here was this woman who was so kind, who glowed with love's radiance, who everyone adored, who was undeniably beautiful... and she looked like me. By simply being herself she showed me it was possible to create my own unique definition of beauty. Her passing hit our extended family hard. I remember everyone being called to a meeting at my Tia Norma's house one afternoon and we all heard the news together. Late stage cancer - start preparing for a farewell. I remember going with my Mom to visit ChaCha after some time had passed. I entered the back bedroom of the house that I had visited since I was a kid and found her sleeping on what looked like a hospital bed. It was immediately obvious that this wasn't a peaceful sleep as her brow was furrowed and her breathing somewhat labored. I sat alone in silence on a nearby couch and admired her quietly from afar. To see the pale, ashen tone of her once warm, tan skin and the thin tufts of hair where her gorgeous thick, black locks cascaded from took the breath straight from my lungs leaving only a huge lump in my throat. Tears pooled in my eyes and just as I drew in a heavy breath her eyes fluttered open. She took only a second to focus and realize who sat before her. A expression I will never forget washed over her face through the veil of pain. It was a look of consolation, of helplessness, of empathy and I could feel her arms wrap so tightly around me even though there was 10 feet of space between us. She faintly called for help and I hurried to get her mom and sister. The next time I would see her would be the last, save her funeral. I remember her laying flat on her back in the bed. I held her hand and caressed it. Her eyelids fluttered as I leaned down and spoke softly near her ear, knowing this would be my last chance to do so. I held nothing back. I thanked her through a flood of emotion and told her how wonderful it was to have her in my life. I told her how much I loved her and how I would do my best to carry on the spirit of togetherness between our two families. The fluttering of her eyes seemed to accelerate and I can't help but believe that she heard every word. She passed within days of my birthday and her funeral was a bittersweet celebration of life and love. I carry Chacha's spirit deep within my heart. I've been likened to her by many over the years and my heart overflows with pride and appreciation each and every time.

A year or so after she passed her memory would
serve as a main inspiration for one of the most important and brave decisions I've ever made.

The last chapter in my darkest days is a hard one to recount. This will be the first time that I've written about it and I can feel the lump in my throat swelling already as I type.

When I was born I was immediately surrounded by love. I was the first grandchild on my father's side of the family and the first granddaughter on my mother's side of the family. There was never a lack of hugs and kisses... or aunts and uncles for that matter. There was one woman though, who much like my own mother, would look at me with such adoration in her eyes that I felt like a princess every time I caught her gaze. I was her first niece and she loved me so. My tia "Coca" as I called her (because I couldn't pronounce her name, Bertha) affectionately called me her Sweet Pea for as long as I can remember. We shared a very close bond and I always felt so special when I was around her. I can't remember her ever scolding me or speaking down to me as a child. What I do remember is her singing sweetly to me when we shared quiet moments together and I especially remember the stories she used to tell me. I loved them. My favorite one in particular was a cautionary tale of sorts - a type of Mexican folklore - that, now looking back, was kind of on the morbid side. It was about a little girl who's jealous mother accidentally killed her and wound up burying her in the backyard. Flowers sprung from the little girls grave and every time the mother would pick a flower a beautifully haunting song would echo in her ears. It makes me sad to realize that I've forgotten the words to the song that my tia would sing so softly to me. As weird/inappropriate of a story that it may seem for a child to be told I absolutely loved it and would beg to hear it over and over. It didn't scare me at all - if anything it brought about my first feelings of empathy and compassion. I remember feeling sad for both the mom and the little girl. I also remember being angry when my own mother asked my aunt not to tell me that story anymore.

TBC...

Day One

Day 1 Stats
Sun 2/26/12

Height: 5'9"
Current Weight: 205 lbs
Size: 14/16 (Large)

Goal Weight: 160 lbs

Measurements
Bust: 42.5"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 47"
Bicep: R 15.5" L14.5"
Neck: 15"
Thigh: R/L 25.25"

Target Daily Calorie Intake: <1592
Target Heart Rate: 162

Past and Present